How I’m raising my daughter to be fearless

Raising a girl in today’s world is a daunting task.  As a parent, I am always asking myself what the future consequences of my decisions will be.  “Will giving her this toy make her think that she doesn’t need to work for the things she wants?”  “That little kid in the sandbox just pushed her down!  Should I intervene, or let her work it out herself?”  “She wants to swing on the big-kid swing, should I let her?”

One thing I decided, early on, was that I did not want my daughter to grow up in a culture of fear.  Respect, yes, awareness of dangerous situations, definitely.

 But not fear.

Over the years I have settled on a few strategies, and they seem to work very well.  In case you, too, struggle with these kinds of questions and seek to raise a child free of fear, I thought I’d share.

• Be aware of social referencing.  It’s a technical term for a very simple process: when your baby or child doesn’t know how to react to a situation, they look at you, their trusted caregiver, for clues.  When Boo falls down, for example, she will often look at me before she responds.  I try to keep my face calm, or even light-heartedly say, “Whoopsie!”  or “Ooop-a-lah!”  What I don’t do is overreact.  As long as it’s a mild fall, I let her decide if she wants to come to me, if it hurts enough to cry, etc.  If she cries, I comfort her, but I don’t gasp, shout, or make a big deal out of getting hurt. 
• Don’t make negative predictions.  “You’ll hurt yourself if you climb up there.”  “Hold the railing or you’ll fall.”  These kinds of comments are not actionable, but they do set a tone of failure and fear in little children, who are very impressionable.  I try to stick to comments like, “Hold on tight, this is slippery,” or “Cars are dangerous.  Hold my hand, please.”  In this way, my words reinforce the feeling that she is capable, while giving her instructions on how to safely navigate the world.  

You'll be surprised what your child is capable of when you stop saying 'watch out!'

• Talk about scary things.  Often things that are frightening are less scary when you can put them into words.  And if you can turn scary experiences into learning moments, all the better.  When Boo was afraid of thunder during a recent summer storm, I held her close and we talked about clouds and storms.  She’s too young to understand how lightning happens, but when she gets older, I plan to explain the science behind scary things like thunder.  In this particular instance, simply being close to a trusted adult and putting words to what was happening distracted her from her fear and changed the moment into a cozy bonding experience.
• Be brave.  You are, after all, your child’s biggest role model.  This doesn’t mean never showing your vulnerable side, or pretending that you are never afraid.  And this doesn’t mean you should disregard safety and show your bravery by courageously ignoring the streetlights at the crosswalk and dodging traffic.  But if you can talk a little bit with your child about how you are nervous or scared to do something, and then show them that you’ll try it anyway, you’ll model the behavior they will need to face their own fears.
• Face new and scary things together. It’s always better with a friend, right?  If your child is afraid of something, provide backup and support while gently encouraging them to get a little closer.  You don’t need to push, most childhood fears will take a while to ease.  Boo, for example, was afraid of cows.  She actually loves cows, but get any closer than 10 feet away and she becomes very nervous!  So I took her in my arms and together we slowly approached a gentle cow standing near a fence.  When she buried her face in my shoulder, I would pause, until she would look again.  Then we’d move forward a step, then another.  I showed her how I slowly stuck out my hand to offer some grass to the cow, and how the cow took a little nibble.  And eventually, she tried it as well!
• Celebrate your little ones when they are brave!  It’s hard work to face your fears, and cheering your child on when they try something scary is important.  I usually try to name some of the emotions that happened in the interaction, and maybe retell what just happened.  I’ll say something like, “you saw that cow over there and were curious about it, but a little bit scared, too.  But then you were brave, and held out some grass for the cow to try.  And then you thought it was funny when the cow sniffed your fingers!”  Reinforcing their bravery in the context of a story helps children see themselves as brave.  And the more you tell those stories of success, the more they integrate bravery as a personal quality.  

Mastering the stairs is scary at first, but leads to greater independence.

I hope these suggestions give you some ideas for the next time you are faced with one of the deep philosophical questions of parenting.  There are some wonderful resources on the importance of risk-taking and self-confidence which I will try to post here soon… in the meantime, a quick internet search should pull up some good results.